We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
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a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣