We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
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Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving