We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”