We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
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i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.