We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
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when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Ugh but profoundly
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
can I use a minion as a tampon
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.