We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is