We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
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PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
somebody come look at this
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.