We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
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In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
My dryer is celebrating lint.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Banking tips
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.