9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
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“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.