“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on