Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
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[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
fair
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”