@Sassafrantz: What a beautiful day! The sun's shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor's dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn...
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@TheBoydP: [two coworkers walk into my office] Coworkers: Hey! It's your two favorite people here to ask you a question! Me: Where?
@CelebrityChez: My biggest regret is probably that time I let a guy dressed up as a hotdog give me a haircut.
@Liffonmelsmork: It's getting cold in here So take off all your clothes Then we can make a fire with them
@AbbyHasIssues: I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.