Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
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Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I feel this so hard
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.