Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
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I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Finally!
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.