Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
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Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.