[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
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I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
*pronounces woah like Noah*