5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
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Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
You had me at “define legal”.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.