What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
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Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I want what they have
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
seems like a niche market
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free