What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin