*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[eulogy]
line?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I have a new favorite meme page
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there