I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.