What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.