@hellohappy_time: What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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@envydatropic: Friends don't let friends drive drunk but I don't want them staying at my house And that's why Uber was created
@michel_lesann: “Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!” *I start to get up from table* *wife discretely stops me* *I silently agree with wife*
@MableGertrude: No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.
@MarfSalvador: [Pulled over by cops] Murderer: I swear officer! There ain't nuthin in the trunk! Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT