What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it