What about a To-Don’t List?
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Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
My first son he is wonderful
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”