“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.