“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
You Might Also Like
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..