“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
You Might Also Like
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Interior design 👌
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking