I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
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Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
accurate
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Good news
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no