@Fazio_N: "What aisle has the milk?"
"Sir, this is a library."
*whispers* "What aisle has the milk?"
@LeBearGirdle: [America's Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
@Token_Geezer: Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
@DandyTruman: Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
@Daniel_Sloss: Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE'S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!