@wesjohnson8: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
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@3sunzzz: 4yo: Do you want to play pretend? Me: I already am. 4yo: What pretend? Me: Shh, you're not here.
@mrtruthandsoul: Wife: We're going to Jessie's BBQ today. Me: She's the one with the big--- Wife: They're fake! Me: So? -liveTweeting from the DogHouse
@egg_dog: facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once