You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.