@jwoodham: What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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@AbrasiveGhost: WIFE: I think he's in a midlife crisis "Why, did he buy a new car?" WIFE: not yet [I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
@liliths_lair: The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
@13spencer: An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying "good boy."