What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
A ghost story
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin