WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
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Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Did my cat write this
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.