@ScottLinnen: WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
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@sumpeoplelikeit: If you ask me where your glasses are, and they're on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
@ramblinma: Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven't experienced any yet, but statistically they're bound to happen at some point.
@bornmiserable: You know you're on drugs when you're talking to your kids about drugs and you don't have any kids.
@jonnysun: GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i'll give it 5 stars EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]