WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
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I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
called in thicc to work this morning
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*