What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
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ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Choose your fighter
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Never mess with a drunken pig.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
sleeping beauty
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves