“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
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What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is