“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”