@AaronFullerton: "What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift
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@lawblob: Son, its time we had 'the talk.' [dad removes shirt, starts projector, chugs 4 beers] Ok! So Tower 1 steel beams could only have melted at-
@TheTweetOfGod: Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.
@iAmDelFreaky: I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.