@AaronFullerton: "What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift
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@manwhohasitall: Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. 'Me time'.
@dumbbeezie: When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it's probably not cake. I'm tired of the let down.
@ericsshadow: [wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS