My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
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Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.