“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
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Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
my mom making me talk to relatives
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy