On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
You Might Also Like
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
it’s the silliest best thing
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!