I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
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date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”