“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.