What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
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when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule