“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
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When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages