If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
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My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.