What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
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The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”