Truth. ๐๐ญ๐ฎโ๐จ
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A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow canโt believe Iโm finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one Iโm replacing.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Waiter: Iโm sorry sir, we donโt have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Sperm Canโt Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, weโre good
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Iโm no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ainโt gonna look like that for long.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
โCoffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?โ says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayedโฆ
Iโm not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party