What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
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Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I鈥檓 going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it鈥檚 time to sleep, but what鈥檚 more exciting than getting to sleep?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
In my teens: I won鈥檛 wear a jacket because they鈥檙e not cool.
In my 30鈥檚: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
her: i like a guy that can last long 馃槈
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
so much to do
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Her: I鈥檒l bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!