-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
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When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
bugs when you lift up a rock
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.