I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
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I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.